Little Mortimer in Bathland

by Floor Plan

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released February 21, 2011

Lyrics By Kegan Swyers
Music by Caleb and Kegan Swyers
Characters Designed by Drew Swyers
Artwork By Kyle Armstrong



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Track Name: Bathtime (At Toy Manor)
“People of Toy Manor!”

Prepare the pole that holds a stable pile of colorful rings
So it appears as though a donut rainbow sky was sculpted for kings

Eyeing through kaleidoscopes
A geometric spectacle
On our way…

O, Angels skimming hills and chimney tops in a snow globe
Where Vanilla City’s children are sipping cups of hot cocoa

Every block from A to Z
All corners of the nursery
On our way out
On our way out

Give the wind up one tweak,
The player of spinets spun free,
And a barrel of monkeys unlink arms and hoard
The organ grinder’s money
Bicycling carnie,
Pedals a red penny farthing,
As several snarling swordsman snickersnee
The mini-steamer engine is starting.

“Alright then, single file line!”

On our way out

Little Mortimer in Bathland
Track Name: Engine Room
The screws and springs
Are all loosening

Says the engineer

A moving sea
Of oozing grease

Drowns us
Drowns us

Leaving on the engine room light he finds
Stowaways Stowaways
Leaving on the engine room light
It shines
No one no one
In this place

Meanwhile I hid
Was moving in silence
Noticed a turbine
And watched from behind it

“Oil drum oil drums!”
“There’s a boy among
These mechanisms!”
Says the piston and
The boiler pump
“O you blow steam
Through your old cheap metal!
Yes you, you overgrown teakettle.
It’s always something banging
Your clank trap.”
Angrily exclaimed the crankshaft.
“Shhhhh, I hear something.”
The engineer coming closer
So I took off scared running.

“O no you don’t,
you’re paying a visit to the boss.”

Overdrive on each crankshaft
And slide valve’s black exhaust
Pressure gauges crack
And gears were giant cogs

It was warming up
Track Name: S.S. Sing-A-Long
Now the mainland behind
Telescope only shows
Each little wave of white
Rolling along
eh eh eh eh eh eh eh

“There’s no sea I haven’t seen.”
“You’ve seen all seven?”
“All Seventeen!”

You see I’ve sailed the cellophane seas,
Held on the helm through the velveteen reefs.
Live to tell the tale of Toe Jam Oceans,
And now sail ‘til the Coast of Hansoap’s end.

On Coloring Book Land
Swept tides
Where maidens had mopped sand

Now the mainland behind
Telescope only shows
Each little wave of white
Rolling along
eh eh eh eh eh eh eh

Away we’d row in gravy boats
Through the Suppertime Sea.
Twas you and I seeing cups of wine
On the buttered brine beach.

Lost coves
Glowing with green light
Great gulfs
Full up with egg whites

Now the mainland behind
Telescope only shows
Each little wave of white
“To Adventure!”
Said the steamboat

Who trapped the sea’s
Swelling symphony in this shell?

O the things you hear
Are they really there?

How can it be
My ear echoing to itself?

O the world you’ll find
Is your empty mind

See the walrus and the sea lion
See the oysters at their bedside
See the starfish spinning slowly

I see belugas, see a great white
See a blue whale, see octopi
See the shrimp dressed in suit and tie

Now your getting it!

Long for the ride
Bathland ahoy
Hand on the helm
New cabin boy
All board the ship
Swab down the deck
Full steam ahead
S.S. Sing-a-long!
Track Name: Maid of the Merry-Go-House
And then he said
And spews some vomit
Influenza harlequin in loose-fit garments.
Huge thermometer that he holds to his armpit
“To Amuzement Park De Woozy
C’mon kids!”
Detunning organ music chords bend
Loop accordion as carousel unicorns spin.
“It’s all in here.”
“Hi, I'm Mortimer”
“Bonjour little Mal de Mer”

Welcome you snot-nosed child
(Treat our guest nice)
Flying hotel and theme park
(Haven’t had one for some time)
Step foot in Mary-Go-House
Your mine
Your mine
Your mine
Your mine

Where is that lazy maiden
(Bed and breakfast waits)
That poor excuse for a servant
(She’ll show you to your room this way)
Step foot in Mary-Go-House
Your mine
Your mine
Your mine
Your mine

And then she says
“That old ring leader and Monsieur Feverly,
It’s pure evil the way the both treated me.”

“Maiden, lazy maiden come quick!”

Two rooms down is the bouncy castle
Knights gouge tower with jousting match poles

“Careful you fools,
every rooms held up with balloons.”

I know these waters won’t take to my stomach kindly
I feel it
In the dream, in the dream

Over black oceans made of tears from Pierrot’s face
I flew
In the dream, in the dream

“So you think you’ve escaped
From my clutches
As your eyes awake
How clever…”
Track Name: Duck Knights
As the musk of rum disrupts the air
The buccaneers on rubber ducks appear

In a stormy sea of suds they sneer
Gruff be their tongues, scruffy their beards

“We swashbuckle through wash bubbles
for war we’ve come prepared.”

By their blunderbusses thunderous blare
You’ll sink to the plug of bundle up hair

“You’ll pay for what you have done to our captain.”
“You gave him a patch and handicapped him.”
“Now he hates the way he looks.”
“When one hand waves it waves a hook.”
“He can’t sashay or race on foot.”
“For one of his legs be made of wood.”


“Another hog’s head you mateys,
and pour it quick.”

We sing a song of sunken ships
Of ale and rums, of drunken whims
We sing of shores with broken oars
From many men who rowed our course
Who could be the one in charge
Him with a beard black as his heart
He’ll scare the scales off any snook
The water closet king of crooks

“What have I done
What have I done?
Put a landlubber on lookout?”

“Haha c’mon yee squalid squids
Yee languid lobsters!

You scaleless fish skeletons, tail-end of salmon
You shallow-end sailors, you showerhead swivelers


“The canons are ready, and awaiting your
orders captain!”

“Good, very good.

This is your last chance,
C’mon and join us.”


“Fools! Duck Knights, show them
the bottom of the bath.”

“Blast you, Canons fire!”

As the musk of rum disrupts the air
The buccaneers on rubber ducks appear
In a stormy sea of suds they sneer
As the musk of rum disrupts the air
As the musk of rum disrupts the air

“YO HO.”
Track Name: Comatose on Clamdestine Coast

My pinky toe is twinkling
Eyelids lower, a glowworm's blinking
Her lonely light against the Milky Way
The stars are showing brighter
Still each plays with
Pillow case and silk pj’s
Bedtime hats and quilt sheet capes
Blanket forts built in space
Beside the moons round and silvery face

“Starshine, O that starshine
Moonlight, lovely moonlight

“What happened to the little glowworm?”

“The moon turned her into the brightest star of the night.”

“Starshine, O that starshine
Moonlight, lovely moonlight
Track Name: Robin's Egg Blueatang
A trail of banana peels
A land of wilderness
Where the crayons all fell into
The hands of villainous chimpanzees,
Madrillus sphinxes, and gorillas
As we proceed with canteen’s and pith helmets.
The viney jungle the Blueatang hangs out in
One hand in the thumbhole of the painters pallot
When he swung low the lion’s angrily growled
And with one stroke he saved their manes and brown skin

“Well tickle me pink and periwinkle
Lions, Lemers, the Canary wings gold.”
“Snakes slither in hideous shades
with their ty-dy tongues hissing away.”
“Red proboscis monkey, preposterous!
A boxer’s punching bag for that snoz of his.
Look at the ostriches,
They’re not their color but merely their compliments”

Divvying up the shades
Of teal
Of beige
Of pink
Of orange
Of sea green
Of yellow
Of royal blue
Of gold
Of gray
Of red
Of black
Of off-white

He’s returned here
Re-coloring our trees
He’s returned here
Re-coloring our vines
Our vines

Plaid-patterned pachyderms,
Lavender parrots fly
With platinum birds of paradise.
Zebras black and purple bearing hides
And tigers with tertiary stripes.

He’s returned here
Re-coloring our trees
He’s returned here
Re-coloring our vines

He’s returned here
Track Name: Skull Jones
“Banshee boys,
Your in for quite a surprise!
You look like you’ve seen a ghost!”

Phalanges reach for piano keys
“He’s Handsome”
A man so lean the bones
In his hands and fingers show
In the amphitheatre at the grand opening
A standing O, a phantom screams,
Shadows dance to jazz swing
Jones by candles beam of light
From inside a Jack-O-Lanterns gleam
On black and white, his spidery hands would leap,
Like tarantulas on ivory trampelines.
“Skeletones!” Dance and sing
“Scarecrows!” On ghastly beats
Ghosts on trombone, anthem proceeds
Grabs the mic strikes up the band and sings

Oh no Skull Jones
With a band of bones
Graves all sway in rows (Dance with me)
Handsome spook (“Why thank you.”)
Swanky suit (“Far too kind.”)

“Hit it boys!”

“Time for my solo
Watch out now here come those ghost notes
Aww you didn’t like Jones’s joke?
Whats the matter boy, your funny bone’s broke?”

Lost by the grave yard, me and some good friends
Looking in through the space in the crooked fence,
‘Til a great wooshing wind pushed against the gate,
didn’t anticipate that it would unhinge
“Rattlebones shoosh!”
“It wasn’t me look its them!”
Saw our faces, they came and the took us in
To the stage, thought our fate was looking grim
But they invited us to stay and play music with them

Oh no Skull Jones
And the Banshee Boys
Graves all sway in rows
Handsome spook
Swanky suit

At twelve o’clock am
The town mausoleum
Turns into a jazz concert hall coliseum
You’ll probably be greeted by peach cobbler-eating
Hobgoblins who’re drinking a cauldron of sweet tea and
When everything seems just a bit Halloweenish
Except there’s no costumes just all these creatures
Witches on besoms will howl and shriek as
The man with the skull is pounding the keys in!
Track Name: At Faucet Mountain
Save me and all my friends a spot
On a faucet mountain top
As we slide up this silver rock
And through the wintry air
We’ll find ourselves again

“Aww, what a cheerful time
To lay here in the snow after a careful climb.”

And now our little arms wave in arches
And forms a wing design
Sweeping our legs we shape the gowns
Bell choir softly chimes
Lifting our angels o’er the town
Frosting our roofs in white

“Heaps and heaps of snow falling free from their wings near and far.
But the heap is to big it’s starting to give where we are.”

Save me and all my friends a spot
On a faucet mountain top
As we slide down this silver rock
And through the wintry air
I’ve lost my way again
Track Name: Gold Music Box
Gold music box and pocket bells
Track Name: Donut Kingdom
“I’m just a donut hole
Momma says I’ll grow.
With sip sip sip
And a hm hm hm
Garden milk is good.”

“Gee Wiz Mr. Happler.”

“Don’t try and stop me!”

From Bagel Land to Table Manor
To the golden-paved road of Egg Yolk Scramblers
Where crape and pancake home’s damaged
As the lake of Day-Old Jam floods
Cause in our courts, plays a harpsichord
For one they shouldn’t roll the red carpet for.
“Where the Cruller King rules with his tomfoolery
And with his wrongdoings he had ruined neighboring kings”
“Do you know who the most noblest of donuts to ever take the throne is?”
“Why its you, your royal holeness”

Yes your majesty
Your majesty

The donut hole who seeks allies finds
A piece of quiche who beat the
Breakfast pizza pie slice.
Wheat and White Knight
Unsheathing thy knife
With buttered-blade
Cut away the
Evil Rye’s strikes.
And Lord Crescent and Prince Scone
Avenge the ten loaves of French toast
Tigertail donut like a Bengal cub
Know and the striped knight Sir Tangold-Up
And in battle ended the evil king’s reign
And the chambermaids sang:
“The Cruller King fell and the Jelly-Filled King
Return and with morning melody sings”

Yes your majesty
Your majesty

“All hail! Lord of the tigress tail, jelly fillings,
Critters of the Apple Fritter Forest
And the Crullers of the Bavarian Castle,
I present to you your king.”

“Here yee here yee
This powder peasant as shown great chivalry
And saved us along with our fellow kingdoms.
I now dub thee Sir Powdered Hole the Brave.”

“Thank you Mortimer, the bard will sing and he’ll strum,
You’ll be remembered in song
For many mornings to come.”